Disclaimer “Swen: The Backward News” is a satirical news column. Any articles associated with Swen are of fiction and constitute as fake news. Any resemblance to the truth or actual facts or to reality is purely coincidental.
Shuttle Bus | Tom Boon
Robert Wheatley | Lifestyle Editor
The horrendous squeaking sound of one of UH’s Shuttle buses has been revealed to be the bus actually asking to be put to death.
The bus’s calls for help were heard via a receipt which was printed automatically from the till, as Sarah Cox, 34, was driving back to the College Lane campus, reading: “Please let me join the other buses in the sky.”
The driver pulled the bus over as soon as she had read the message, outside the Galleria entrance, much to the confusion and delight of students who had presumed the bus did not stop there.
“I rushed over to the middle of Jeremy [the bus] after reading the receipt and held onto one of his chairs to comfort him, and asked him if he was alright,” said Sarah.
“He said, ‘WEEAARRGGHHHH SQREEAAAKKK RRRRREERRRKKK’, and I began to sob when I knew his sorrow to be true.”
We managed to catch Jeremy, 5, briefly on the way to the deHav campus. He claimed he had been working for UNO buses for just over 4 years when he began experiencing cramps in his engine. He thought nothing of it, and continued as usual, but then the pain began to get worse; soon becoming unbearable. We attempted to interview Jeremy some more but his ticket machine had run out of printing paper.
“They want to make Jeremy keep working, but I know how hard it is for him – you can just hear the pain he’s in when he takes every turn. I started a hashtag on twitter in support for him: #freejeremy, but only one person has retweeted it – but they thought it was about Jeremy Clarkson.”
We asked a few UH students what they thought about Jeremy, and most were confused or believing to be pranked. Jaun Darzi, 21, a third year English Literature student, was actually on the bus at the time the event took place. He said,
“Yeah, I was on the bus. It was really awkward seeing her caress the bus seats, and it’s not something I wanted to remember again, but here we are.”
Avril Page, 19, a first year MPharm student, said: “I’ve literally been in classes all day, I don’t need this – Jesus Christ.”
UniVerse has yet to receive a response from UNO buses regarding Jeremy’s future, but as of now his position at the University of Hertfordshire is uncertain. If you would like to support Sarah’s campaign, you can retweet the hashtag #freejeremy.