By Aiden Perrins – Editor
It’s almost 2017 and it’s at this time of year that we start to lie to ourselves. When I say lie to ourselves, I of course mean make New Year’s Resolutions. When we make these resolutions, we have the best intentions, but I would say 99% of the resolutions we make will not be seen through to 2018. Here we run down the lies we tell ourselves at the end of the year to make ourselves feel better after overindulging in pretty much everything unhealthy over the festive period.
1. In 2017 I’m going to lose weight
Now then, you’re probably saying this because over the Christmas period you’ve eaten WAY too much food. Or maybe it’s because at uni your eating habits have become… well let’s just say you’re less acquainted with your mom’s style of cooking, and have become more au fait with ASDA’s pizza counter. Now, you might go on a diet in January, maybe even part of February, but after that Two for Tuesday will call for you like a baby calls for its mother. That gym membership you signed up for, telling yourself that you’ll go every morning before class. Well, that didn’t last past one Cheeky Wednesday.
2. In 2017 I’m going to drink less or stop drinking altogether
If you’re a typical student then chances are you drink way more than any doctor will tell you is healthy, so you might be planning to cut down. Which seems like a good idea at first, and yeah sure you might stop that casual beer or glass of wine of an evening. However, when Big Dave comes up with yet another crazy idea (which is just drinking tequila past the realm of good decision making) you will succumb yet again to the stress reducing, emotion relieving legal intoxicant we love so much. The solution to your problems isn’t at the bottom of a bottle, but crying about deadlines is better when you don’t remember it in the morning.
3. In 2017 I’m going to stop smoking
Ok so this one won’t apply to all of you, but the people out there who do smoke, this is a resolution a lot of you will have come up with, but doesn’t come into effect until the 2nd January, because smoking at the NYE party is just necessary. Then, you might stop smoking for maybe up to a week, but January exams are pretty damn stress inducing. So who’s going to be going out for a crafty fag during revision? That’s right, you are you disgusting disgrace to humanity (can I bum one though).
Via Warner Bros/GifHell
4. In 2017 I’m going to save more money
No, you won’t. Look, we’re students, struggling with finances is what we do best. We’ve all tried to save more money, but our old friend alcoholism usually has something to say about that. If you want to save money then getting yourself a sugardaddy/mommy or stealing is the best advice I can give you. (Note: Trident Media does not condone stealing).
5. In 2017 I will study more and procrastinate less
Hahahahaha, that will never ever happen. This has been my resolution since the days of A-Levels and I’m still an absolutely fucking useless human like the rest of you who made it into the University of Hertfordshire. Whether it’s Facebook, Netflix, Youtube, or simply just looking at random things on Wikipedia, anything that isn’t doing that essay due next week is a better task. I would bet money that exam time is also the time when student’s bedrooms are most tidy from procrastinating through cleaning.
Don’t worry though, it’s not all doom and gloom for 2017, I’m not that negative. However, I would suggest that rather than setting yourself a series of resolutions for what in theory is a better life, set yourself one resolution: in 2017 I will have fun. Having a smile on your face is at least as important as anything else on this list, and if you can do that the majority of the time then you will have a very successful year.